Sometimes,

well it's really just the rare times, i can't help but to wonder why do i even bother? yesterday was kinda overwhelming, in many different ways. it was only until before i went to bed i realised my brother didn't have the house keys with him, so i waited for him to come home in front of the computer until close to 2am. and he saw me creating south park avatar for the five of us (had serious dilemma choosing the eyes, nose, mouth and hair for everyone though), it'll probably be inserted to the "group memebers" slide. shut the computer, went to bed and my mind started playing like a tape recorder with its 'pause' button missing. and the stupid eyes, it happened again. it's always when i'm lying on the bed at night, when everything around was in complete darkness and when it's so quiet i could only hear the air-cond blowing. just when i was trying very hard to stop myself from thinking, i felt a gentle nudge on my knee, and it was more than once. who else could it be other than my younger sister. yes, her stomach's aching again i knew it but i didn't know why. this recurring gastric thing comes on and off and it really really really hurts deep down under to see her in that kind of pain. i'm serious, when it's very painful she wouldn't even talk or want to do anything other than lying down and covering herself in blankets. and she actually went to bed so much earlier than me, four hours ago i think! knowing she didn't feel like talking cause it'll make it worse, i held up her hand and asked, "pain level 1 to 5, 5 most painful. what are you now?" and she slowly stick out one and a half finger. what a sigh of relief! i felt much much better seeing that so told her to quickly try to sleep. it was from then, i managed to divert to thinking about other stuff. and it goes on until i fell asleep without myself knowing. i'm so glad this morning my sister asked me, "imagine a seahorse singing with its sucker mouth, cute right..." hehe i knew she was all okay again! but wth, seahorse singing. back to yesterday, i'm sorry i couldn't join you all for tennis though i felt like going so badly. honestly, just talking with you on the phone elevated my mood from like zero to a hundred, i got all so hyped up. and yeah, i'm starting to feel it's so true we have to do the right thing to enrich our lives, to have a 充实 one. love those words. and equally amazing, how i wish i was there to see py's surprised face with what jeff has planned for her. it's just too sweet for a guy to have put in so much effort. you know, it's wonderful when people understands and appreciates your effort. all these while, maybe i was too naive. for the nth time, i reopened that email and read it again. but now i'm finding it rather meaningless. i wouldn't say anything at all was wasted because they do leave a very big impact on me. feelings are just to abstract i can never fully comprehend. siewming, regain yourself :)

i guess i've found an answer to my own question - because i feel real when i bother.