if i could write to santa for a christmas gift this year, there is only one thing i'm asking for. and i am willing to do anything for that wish to come true. anything. 

Words that don't belong anywhere.

sometimes even i wonder to myself if it's all going to be worth it. then i realised it doesn't really matter, the outcome... whether it's worth it or not, whether it'll turn out like how i wish it could be isn't really that important after all, cause i know no matter what, i'll still give it a try. 

have been staring at that rectangle piece of yellow-coloured paper for a while now and what's running through my mind can't seem to be explicitly put into words. when i finally managed to gather enough courage to let you know everything that was on my mind, your replies weren't what i was hoping to see, neither what i expected. and the next day, everything was still the same as before. 

like how people say time heals, i guess the reverse is true too? time also kills. some things start to fade with time, and sometimes, these are things we can never get back once it's gone. 

if there comes this chance, i really hope to know how you felt, what were you thinking when you decided to let it all go and never look back. 

let's hope a night's sleep would tell me what's best to be written on that card for you. 

One day closer.

"It has been said that I believe in the power of positive thinking. In fact, I believe in the power of negative thinking. I happen to be very conservative in business. I always go into a deal anticipating the worst. If you plan for the worst - if you can live with the worst - the good will always take care of itself." - Donald Trump


after all, nothing will ever always be happily ever after like in fairy tales, but if we're just able to have faith and endure the toughest moments, we'll be surprised with what's coming after.

one last paper to go on Monday. and then it marks the end of yet another wonderful chapter in my life. definitely an unforgettable one that taught me a whole lot.


right now, i'm just feeling incomplete without you. 

Some memories are for a lifetime

i feel like going to somewhere with a piece of big open ground, so i can lie down and watch the stars in the night sky... wonder what they've got to tell me.

November 2010
One year into our journey with BAF, almost two years back from today.

the one who brings the best out of you.

These little things.

sometimes i can't help but to wonder how you feel deep down inside. haven't spoken to you like this in a while, and it just felt all too good today i almost didn't feel like leaving when my sister's done. hoping that our conversation could go on for a longer time, and stay that way forever.

talking about how time flies, you mentioned it didn't feel like it's been one year since internship. without realising, it's been close to a year can you believe it? everytime it comes back to me, i'll blame myself for not fighting hard enough for everything about you that i cherish so dearly. but what's the point? we can never go back in time, and the only way to go is to move forward from wherever we're standing now. just wish to at least regain a little bit of the 'us' we used to be.

today a friend said something that kept me thinking a long time. how she described me to be filled with endless positive energy when we first met in college, and how she saw that part of me slowly disappear throughout these years. i felt it so strongly cause this is not the first time i'm hearing something like this. a few of the closest people around me thought the same. honestly, i love how i used to be too.

it was like a period of insane internal battle of emotions within me at the start of the year. i fought so hard trying to hold on to the very me, but i seemed to be losing it more than anything else. vaguely remember the days i used to cry in bed every night without myself even knowing until the tears felt cold on my cheek. since it was internship then, there were so many new people to meet. from something very natural of me, it felt like so much effort when i had to smile and talk to them happily when inside my heart was a mess. 

as much as positive thinking could do, it can never be comparable to genuine happiness from within. slowly, i think i just got used to being the sad me. 

but well, life is interesting only because it is always filled with challenges and hopes. challenges that would tear us down but make sure that we come back up stronger and tougher at heart; hopes to keep us going even when all else seems impossible and dark.

during the down times, i found myself doing things i never thought i'd do, i appreciate those who stayed by my side always checking on me to make sure i'm alright, i learned that things might not always be like a happy dream but they happen for a reason.


whatever happened happened. today's such a great day. in many ways.


shall end this long somewhat emo-ish post with a note mummy wrote to me today, was so surprised to get it:

It doesn't matter who hurt you, or broke you down, 

what matters is who made you smile again.

Nobody can take away your pain,

so don't let anyone take away your happiness.

Life is never easier, 

we just get stronger.

Who apologizes first is the bravest,

who forgives first is the happiest.

Life is short and you deserve to be happy,

whatever you are facing today,

remember to give yourself some credit for making it this far.

You are stronger than you know.

♥ Mama love you sweet baby ♥

made me all the more happier today. can never thank you enough for always always being there for me you awesome mummy.

Of what can be and not what could have been.

making things happen really matters 'cause otherwise, it will just be another thought that ran through your mind, another dream that you once had. giving up could be the easiest thing ever, but never giving up could be the most fulfilling feeling ever. 

i'm starting to like weekend jogging sessions in the morning (thanks to run for gold!), away from what's on my study table for some fresh air to breathe and greens for the eyes. enjoy listening to random people's conversation along the jogging trail cause there's so much room for imagination when you only hear one line of what they've been talking about, then it keeps me thinking about how it reflects upon my own life. like it how the cute little kids dragged by their parents to the park can make my day. :)

less than two months' time till the end of my 3 years journey in baf. what more memories can we create before it's all over.

is this really me?

trust.

to give you the whole of my heart believing that you'll guard it with all your soul; i've always wished to give your heart the best i can too. things are often so much easier said than done that words don't seem to carry much of a value anymore until the day they're transformed into heartfelt actions. appreciate all the times you took a step back and tolerated me. dear self, you've got to show it if you really mean it. 

Awesome music

is awesome :)

New found phobia.

i've got to admit driving was never really my thing (despite passing my driving test the first time itself without extra money out of pocket woots), and ever since the accident it might have gotten worse :( whatever distance i used to keep with the car in front of mine is times two or even three now. 

there's always this creepy feeling in me that i'll never get to brake my car in time. come to think of it, it's been seven months since i've actually really started driving now, and it took me a while before i gathered enough courage to go onto the fast lane for the first time (no thanks to the jam to and fro sunway), then i slowly got used to it. but sigh, after the accident happened, i kinda reverted back to my old self where i would just choose to stay on my left.

plus my sister who just came back from her undang test yesterday feeling mentally disturbed by some gruesome accident videos they showed them, her stories just didn't help at all. sadly, i'm also back to my very stiff self when i was driving, where i can barely even engage myself in a proper conversation with anyone when the car's in motion. *sister's gonna get more sleeping time in the car! Lol* 

on a serious note, i've gotta drive more and explore more roads to get rid of the stiffness when i drive AND to be better with my sense of direction! 

feeling so much tension just talking about driving. so i shall end this post with a cute pic of Ador and sister's balloonie :3 baby Ador is just so adorbzzzz nobody can ever resist. 

*kiss on the cheek heh :P 

there is something about you that mesmerises me :) 

Because we're nawee enough.

old picture but that's exactly how you always make me feel - happy from the inside out.
*something is crawling on top of your head O_O

known this girl for more than a decade now... every now and then when i think of that one day when we'll have to meet at the airport to bid farewell, my vision will suddenly be blurred by the stubborn tears. i am secretly hoping that i can somehow dry up my tears before the day arrives so at least i'll get to see her clearly for that very last few moments before the next time we meet. the thought of not having her 5 minutes away from home is just... odd. what do i do on a quiet Saturday evening when she suddenly comes to my mind... no more "heyy, let's meet up for an hour, one hour only ar", when we miss each other too badly but at the same time need to finish work. so many things are going to be different next year, i'll probably be a hardcore worker somewhere, she'll be far far away pursuing her dream, by then i presume our perception towards life might also have changed, the new people we meet, new challenges to embrace, new environment to adapt to, new goals to achieve... all this while, she's been such a gem to me and i appreciate her presence in all the chapters of my life thus far. be it the crazy happy emo nerdy playful times, i'll never want to replace any of them with any other thing because they are what made us into who we are today. 

Happy 21st Birthday Wen :) 

Stressszz mode!

i wonder if i've lost some ability to do assignment OR have the assignments in year 3 just gone tougher OR have i just set higher expectations for my work done? somehow, i'm really looking forward to finishing this assignment, then byebye to you FCR2 for now, because hello :) it's the start of our mid-sem breaaak! as usual, with mid-sem break comes a special to-do list. in just that short one week's time, let's see what can be done.

by the way, thinking about you really makes me smile :) 

The one.

i know by heart how much you love and care for me, and i only wish to shower you with more love and bring you all the joy in the world so your days will be filled with smiles. 

And it all started with a smile.

mum told me that little sister said if i wasn't her sister, she wants to be best friends with me. *totally triggered the sentimental side of me. sobs. 

i heart you, bee. 

Back to where we belong.

never tired of giving you the best of me cause nothing feels better than seeing you smile,

never hoped for anything too fancy, just as long as i can always stay by your side, hold your hands tight,

and always be there for you for whatever it is.

and there's a reason why i never stopped loving you.

When you believe.

often when we start losing the belief we once held onto so strongly, things start to sway, everything becomes less clear than they were before, and even the tiniest thing would seem like a huge obstacle.

if we just don't let anything shake that belief we have in us, we will keep going all the way till we finally see what we believe in coming true, till we personally feel and experience it so we can believe in it even more. 

things that are seemingly impossible only happen when we have enough faith in it. and it is true :) 

oh hello there week three of semester nine! gonna continue to appreciate everyday as much as i can~ 

Here we go again!

all the plans laid out before the start of the sem break. have they all been checked?

regardless, it's been a great sem break (it has got to be! last sem break everrr in my degree life). met new people who are super enthusiastic about life, got closer to some of the new friends, got to know the already close friends even better, spent quality time with my family, cleared some thoughts... well that's pretty much it.

and i'm now twenty one :) everything seems to be getting a lil more serious, every step taken seems to be more real than ever. like it is actually going to determine the part of my life not controlled by fate.

yet another new semester ahead...

and i still do wish to believe that nothing is ever impossible.

What we are made of

in time i will show you i'm not leaving

that i will wait right here for your love

God knows, what we are made of

God knows, what we're afraid of

and if you cry, i will comfort you

i will save you

i will sacrifice my life

i will love you

for who you are not who you used to be

in time i will show you i'm still believing

God knows, that if you call, i would come to you

no matter where you are i'll be with you

no matter who you are i'll be with you

no matter where you are i'll protect you

no matter who you are i will love you.

some people and the feelings attached are really quite impossible to be forgotten. unless there's really this machine to wipe off memories.

Vulnerable.

emotionally vulnerable.

Simplicity.

"so so so, why so happy?"
"lol simple things are enuf to make me happy x)"
"hahahaha. and that's what i like abt u"


i secretly love this part of myself too. when i free myself of complicated thoughts and just embrace whatever that comes my way with a smile.

Even if the skies get rough.

when i look into your eyes

it's like watching the night sky

or a beautiful sunrise

there's so much they hold

and just like them old stars

i see that you've come so far

to be right where you are

how old is your soul?

i won't give up on us

even if the skies get rough

i'm giving you all my love

i'm still looking up

and when you're needing your space

to do some navigating

i'll be here patiently waiting

to see what you find

'cause even the stars they burn

some even fall to the earth

we've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

no, i won't give up

i don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

i'm here to stay and make the difference that i can make

our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use

the tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake

and in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend

for us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn

we had to learn how to bend without the world caving in

i had to learn what i've got, and what i'm not

and who i am

i won't give up on us

even if the skies get rough

i'm giving you all my love

i'm still looking up

still looking up

i won't give up on us

God knows i'm tough enough

we've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

i won't give up on us

even if the skies get rough

i'm giving you all my love

i'm still looking up.

*  *  *

still love the sound of this song as much as the first time a friend shared it with me. 

from how i would cry so bad every time i heard it, i'm learning to smile to it now.
when will it ever be the last?

"go where your heart leads you to"

there are times i can't seem to reason why i'm doing what i'm doing. i guess that's when i'm letting my heart leads me to wherever it knows i'll be best. and yes, dear heart, if there's one thing i need to trust most, it's got to be you.

Happy post

EXAMS ARE OVERRR!

<3

hopped into the car this morning and mum said i was sure to be very happy cause it's finally the last day of exams and i told her results not guaranteed. but mum replied asking me to put that aside and just enjoy myself during the sem break. aawyeah mummy i'll listen to you. i love having understanding parents like them, who don't give me extra pressure. instead, the drive of wanting to do better naturally grew from the thought of wanting to see them happy. dad was also being very thoughtful one morning after he got us breakfast he took mum's car to pump petrol cause he knew the next day's gonna be my first paper and mummy will be driving that car. almost every night he would drop by my room and ask me not to sleep too late (although it never happens). the sisters and brother become extra cute during my exam period too cause they don't want me to be stressed up. and to be surprised with a good luck message from the best friend when i was just about to go to bed before the first paper - audit. to have a friend complement that the ISA notes i prepared was very nice to read. and a couple of good luck wishes from the most random friends i've never expected. to be reassured that i was not alone fighting through this exam. they're all just really really great. this must have been the most stressful yet happy exams i've had so far.

for now, it's time to look around, breathe some fresh air and indulge myself in this very last semester break before the final semester in Uni.

So this one painful (literally) week of preparing for finals is almost coming to an end. truly appreciate those many moments that made my heart feel warm from the inside out that i would smile to sleep. hm...there you go sem eight~

Appreciate those moments that made me smile even with a headache.

What keeps you going?

a pleasant reply from pn tang after more than a month, especially in the midst of drowning in figures from the cash flow statements. it's so sad to know that she's not teaching in bu4 anymore, i wonder what has happened to cooking club then.

haven't done this in a while already can't believe i cried this afternoon after coming home. thinking about how we were all like naive little kids during fia and in just another semester's time we'll be graduating already. thinking about how i will miss some of the seniors so badly. can totally film a clip on "meet my aaawesome seniors", you've got to meet them to feel the awesomeness! there's this super senior who's always so inspiring and would offer herself to cry with me like she could read my mind and know that i wasn't alright; then there's also a really cute animal senior who's always very positive and motivating and funnaay; and another who's forever so kind and helpful and would make sure that everything's fine till the end; and the list goes on. definitely great memories.


who says BAF got no friends. 

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

why are some things gone just like that and i can't seem to get them back anymore. i was never ready for it.

somehow, worried about you.

sometimes, i amaze myself with the things i do.

What's never-ending?

and so we suddenly hopped into the topic of good cartoons over lunch today, totally reminded me of toy story 3 which made me laugh until cry and then cry until laugh all over again. luuurved it! then i realised i've got sooooo many cartoons/movies that i've always wanted but haven't had the chance to watch. too many o_o some of the ones mentioned like madagascar 3 (cuz ms mad said it's extremely vibrant and brings out the quality of perseverance in friendship aaaw), rio (which was mistaken as rango the lizard by esther haha) and arthur christmas (recommended by hyii). then there's the smurfs (ann's favourite), breaking dawn (because it feels incomplete not watching it after all the front episodes), the vow (although many said it's not up to expectation), justin bieber's never say never (i don't really know why, just curious), the avengers (the whole world's been talking about it!), thor (i wna know why my brother got obsessed with him), x-men first class (remember a lot of people saying it's niceee too) and i can't even recall already, so manyyy on the list! :O

two more weeks to finals! give it your best! :)

Without a script.

moments like these feel really awesome. we went over to gold this afternoon expecting a simple interview with Pn J and the kids just to get feedback on how sife has impacted them so far. who knew it would turn out to be so overwhelming because everything they said was so heartfelt. no interview questions prepared beforehand, no script provided and everything was just spontaneous. Pn J herself, kasim's father and aunty moi went on for a good 9 minutes giving their feedback.

it was really like some sort of moment of realisation. that so far on our side, we've been so busy getting members to be committed to the project, to come together and work the stock take out over three consecutive weekends, to get the costing for muffins sorted out, source for suppliers, get feedback and more feedback on how to improve on the muffins, and to convince people to take up the muffins from gold. and in the midst of all those busy stressful moments trying to rush assignments and take care of the project at the same time, there were times i asked myself if i was really doing the right thing. shouldn't i be giving my all to studies. the interview session today seemed to have answered all the doubts i had.

and the kids (well, not really kids anymore) at the centre are just too adorbz. they way they so naively believe in everything you tell them makes me feel like sharing my brain with them. if only a brain that's being cut into half would grow back like a lizard's tail. ohhh eeew bad example. but yeah, how would their parents feel when they see other kids growing and learning day by day? them special kids being special requires so much extra effort from the parents to take care of them, to protect them from the harsh harsh world, and to hope that one day they will be able to stand on their own even after they're gone. 

to be such a lucky girl, i feel obliged to love this life and everything around me even more!  

A place full of hope.

so today brother went back to the doctor for check up and it was all good. phew~ it all started with this love letter from the clinic doctor (which i tried real hard to read but could barely figure out half of what's written).  

the doctors' secret code

anyways, the short trip to the hospital with my brother made me wonder how it's like to be working as a doctor or even a nurse. first thing that came to my mind was that it's so, so so so different from professions like accountancy? maybe not so much in terms of the working hours, but the thing that drives them to work day and night without feeling tired of the job. i'm not sure how much of a role money plays in this, but it's so many lives they're saving. patients who are fighting so hard for miracles to happen have got all their hopes on these people. even if you're just a nurse, every little action of yours would mean so much to the patient, the way you smile to them, talk to them, convince them that everything is going to be okay. it all means so much. i really like the idea of jobs like these that directly touches people's lives. by the end of the day, no matter how tired, seeing the patients recover one by one and become healthy again must be the best-est reward someone can ever get. 

drip drip drop.. that needle poking into the hand looked super painful! ><

while we were at the waiting bay before my brother was admitted to a ward i saw a few other patients with their family members too. there was this poor kid next to my brother who fractured his right arm (looked quite bad by the way it was bandaged), but the parents were still grumbling at him not wanting to eat and all. then there was another little cute malay girl with huge eyes, so cute that i couldn't resist waving to her. and she actually waved back! :D but after a couple of minutes, the nurse was trying to cover her face with the oxygen mask but she seemed to be terrified by it, kept crying and crying :( *heartbreaking much

lil pink tortoise and albino kangaroo on the way there~ 

as we got to the room, opposite my brother's bed was this man with diabetes :( what really caught my attention was his daughter who was sooo patient in taking care of him, he was refusing to eat, but the daughter just slowly fed him and was telling him nicely how he should eat so he'll have enough strength to recover. the next day when we went back to visit my brother, she was there talking to her dad to keep him company too. 

joyyyride :P

as for my own family, everyone got so worried about brother, little sister was so cute she went googling about brother's condition, mum was busy checking on my brother, dad made sure my brother's got everything that he needed over the stay at the hospital, elder sister made sure that all of us would go visit him together again on the second day, and... i just didn't want my brother to feel lonely or bored at the hospital so i brought him extra visitors :P 

and we're there! :)

the only vivid memory i have about going to the hospital was when i followed dad to visit mum at sjmc when my younger sister was at her littlest :p 18 years back but that fraction of the memory still remains quite clear. going to the hospital again this time round felt very different though. seeing some of the patients in a lot of pain was really very very painful to me too, but how the family/friends were around to give support really touched my heart too. 

home sweet home :D brother was thoughtful enough to let roo peek his head out for some fresh air heh.

if only it wasn't when FCR assignment was about to due, i could have spent more time with my brother rather than just bringing him extra visitors. Lol. my brother's very much like me that we don't fancy reading story books, and this was the first time ever he actually asked me to look for a nice book so he could read when he's got nothing to do. 

took over brother's room to hardcore for FCR when he's not home.

and honestly, i'm actually really excited for my friends who are going to be doctors one day :) 

When you least expect.

woke up this morning feeling like i've barely slept, but i told myself today has got to be a good day because being sad can really be quite tiring sometimes. and reeeally i got so surprised by a text this morning saying "hello! i'm back and this is my temporary number". very naturally, the first person who crossed my mind was Cali (brr missing her too badly), even after i replied asking "who's baaack?", i was secretly expecting the mysterious person to be Cali. but who knew! It's Bitty! honestly, *EXCITES* just can't wait to see everyone again! but hey, if Bitty's back, does it mean one year has just gone by? :O why is everything moving on so quickly? *shivers* i don't want to leave Uni :'(

so that was the happy half of the day until qx called and the voice on the other side of the phone just didn't sound like the usual bubbly cheerful girl i know. another thing i never expected to hear. but i believe it'll be good, yes. i mean i want it to be good. it has to be good. you said you're stronger than i am, but i thought i was stronger than this too. i know you're very much like me, you know it too.

learning to expect less... to just go with the flow. whatever's meant to be, will be. with the condition that i have already given it the best i can!

While change is constant, some things never change.

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, it is still a beautiful place."


do you know what's worth fighting for?

Stuck at step 2.

without realising, it's been four months already. what's holding me back from moving on?

What we are made of.

when you were actually so happy about it, why didn't you show it? silly girl.

you're really just not as tough as you think you can be. :'( why..

like the financial and economic crisis in year 2008, 2012 for me so far seems to be filled with so much emotional crisis. i don't even know why (or maybe i do), but i've never felt this level of sadness before. that i can almost feel the pain in the heart every now and then. i didn't use to be like this. trying to still hold on to what i believe in to keep myself going. :)

we can do this!!!

"You're a strong girl, and I have faith in you."

no matter how circumstances are different, wouldn't everything else hold us together still... :'(

in time, it will all get better.

but for now, it hurts so bad i can't even seem to focus on work when i want to. what do i do. 

so what if it's only 3 years +

you know it still means a lot to you when you think you're okay with it, only to find tears in your eyes everytime you think about it. that bitter feeling... is there really nothing i can do about it?

Injured.

i guess it wasn't familiar working with strangers that it attempted suicide today. but i know if it was myself borrowing a camera from a friend for a video recording assignment, and if it accidentally slipped off my hands and got damaged, i would feel so baaad, so so so bad that i might not even want to go back to see my friend. with that thought in mind, knowing that they're feeling very bad about it too but is ready to make compensation, all i wanted was to let them know it's alright. at least that's just a camera, an object without feelings that can easily be repaired. as long as nobody continues to feel bad about it. after all, what has happened can never be changed, there's no point dwelling on it.

How far do you think you can go?

since giving up is obviously NOT an option, you HAVE to do this! and believe that you CAN do it! like the mesmerising lady said "know that you can do it. because things only happen when you're ready for it. and this is only going to test what you're made of..." SO, jia you siew ming!! :) :) :)

that mesmerising lady, is really pretty mesmerising. such great charisma.

making another person feel good is one of the best feelings in the world....

Nothing is impossible.

the only time i wished the red light would stay red for a longer time. cultivating lovelier drivers?

in three days, i saw two kitties somewhat flattened on the road. first was a tiny white kitten still struggling in pain in the middle of the road. then this bigger kitty lying motionless near the curb. accidents :(

and why is my sense of direction so terrible?! can't believe i could get lost going to a place that is not even five minutes away from uni. gave my sister a good shock. 

dropped sis's friend at one u today and group assignments became their topic the entire journey back. of people editing another's work, how people pretended to be alright but complained about everything in his/her blog, even when she was unhappy working in that situation she just chose to keep quiet, etc. 

what's the magic that would make a team sparkle in group assignments? 

is it true that nothing is impossible? 

YOU CAN DO THISSSS!

:) :) :) :) :) :)  :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) 
:) :) :) :) :) :)  :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

:) :) :) :) :) :)  :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

:) :) :) :) :) :)  :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

:) :) :) :) :) :)  :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

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Those words that i really want to say, i'm not able to tell you.

poor plushie getting a bite on the head by sis.

fun fact: did you know elephant walk felt like an extra long walk without you? :(
days like these make me realise how much i treasure my sister's company especially when walking back to elephant walk. *paranoid much


was so happy to see this reply to a teacher's day wish sitting in my inbox when i was checking mails today.

"......It's been a pleasure being able to play a small part in facilitating the learning experience of young people such as yourself. I guess, this is the "intrinsic value" of this profession which is priceless :-) .....all except the marking....:-| 

At the end of the day, nothing pleases us more than to see you achieve the most of what life has in store for you. ......"

i wonder what life has in store for me.... and the rest of us. :) by next year, we'll be parting ways, wouldn't get to see each other from monday to friday anymore. a whole new chapter to our lives.

Like ships in the night.

while waiting for the train at Morecambe.

'cause even when my tired little sister has fallen asleep in the back seat, the clouds up above the sky are always still there to accompany me all the way home. it's really very cool that they appear in the most irregular forms ever. full of surprises.

never will i be able to predict what lies ahead, just gonna embrace everything that is coming my way. good or bad, happy or sad, stress or STRESS, they are still part of what i go through in my life. i've got no choice but to love 'em all.

Keep moving on.

went looking through some of the old photos just so i could get my mind off everything for a moment. and i stumbled upon this cute picture of our keychains taken back then when we were in pre-u. miss those times soooo badly right now. just recently, i got caught frowning a couple of times when i didn't know i was, been feeling a lot less bubbly, this silly crying thing is becoming a major shareholder of my life, first thing when my sister saw me she asked why do i look so miserable. that's it. i was slightly worried that i might have accidentally step foot into depression without myself knowing so i went googling for symptoms of depression. scares me to see that i could actually reflect most of the symptoms upon myself. other than one thing that gave me comfort, no matter how helpless and hopeless i sometimes feel, i never stopped believing that things would get better. 

and yes, it will get better! :)

when you're faced with a tough semester, you just gotta be tougher than it is! we'll survive this. 

True?

they say... if you genuinely like someone, all you want would be to see him/her happy.


and as long as he/she is happy, nothing else really matters.


on an irrelevant note, super nostalgic today eavesdropping the conversation of this bunch of high school guys (and they're from bu4! still in their blue prefect uniforms and yellow name tagss. lups). trying to concentrate on how the rise in cocoa price would affect Nestle but i just couldn't help smiling. four of them reminded me of how the four of us used to be playing our self-created games laughing until stomach pain times. they were arguing if pee was acidic or alkaline by the way. Lol!

also, just realised that they built a shelter over the school's tapak perhimpunan :O and a couple of our favourite teachers got transferred to the other schools when they didn't actually want to :(
things really change, don't they?

Priorities.

what's most important now?  what can't wait?  what can wait?  what do you really want?

Why are you doing what you're doing?

attended a workshop on communication skills today and learned the five important C's in the communication process with anyone at anytime. 

communication is such an art.

have faith.

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what have i done.

Reality check.

so that's how it's like when the car battery dies off early in the morning. leaves you in despair. been such a sucky person today. wish i didn't have to be so sensitive. eeeh the page for the month of May/June in my Sunway diary is becoming so flimsy thanks to all the scribbles and flipping. about three more weeks to go...

"someone who truly appreciates/loves you will never want to let go of you so easily"

Both the best & the worst.

had one of the sweetest dreams last night, which i haven't had in some time already. but woke up to a fuuuhreeaking awful nightmare this morning. first thing i did when i opened my eyes was to turn to my left, seeing my little sister cuddled up in her blanket and still sleeping very cutely really helped to wash away all the terrible feeling from losing her in the bad bad dream.

to be loved, and to be able to love.. are just equally great.

When you least expect.

surprised that you actually waited with me for my sister to come down to the foyer before walking to the faraway parking spot together. how you even asked her for her name and introduced yourself. it's probably nothing, but definitely something i didn't expect of you. just wanna say, it feels much nicer when you're friendly like this.

Positivity.

why have i forgotten about you when you're most needed?

if you don't want to give up on something, then don't. either way it's going to hurt as much.

and so what's behind those laughter?

anywhere anytime.

for reals. anything can happen.

can i do this? 

Unexpectedly.

read through the gbubble again and again, although tears kept falling, i was somehow feeling a lot better at the same time. just really really grateful to have known someone like you. thank you for appearing at such a right time telling me the things i needed to hear.

if there was this chance, one day, i would like to meet myself. 

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If a girl is stupid enough to love you after you broke her heart, I guarantee you, she is the one.

i'm a stupid girl :'( 

today when sister was searching for a book in MPH they suddenly started playing this song from an old korean drama we used to watch. one of the very few korean dramas i watched and liked (y) sadly i remember liking it but not really the storyline anymore T.T

it's scary when memories start fading away... 

Ctrl + Z

the other day when i accidentally looked at you, my heart still skipped a beat. i like it how i still feel the same about you despite everything that has happened. don't quite know how to describe it, but it's very comforting to know that i'm actually still certain about how i felt and feel. it doesn't matter what's going to happen in the end... nobody would know what's going to happen anyways. it's just really tiring, emotionally, to be suppressing how i feel all the time, i don't want to be someone who is not myself either.

dear heart, i allow you to be free of how you want to feel okays. if you're ever feeling the pain again, i will let the tears fall to lessen your pain; but when you feel happy, i will be sure to reward you with smileys :) :)

and dear brain, please study hard okeh. you're not even trying your best yet. angry you ar..grr. 

two more days. *smacks self!! T.T

"don't think that you should never fail. give it your best shot."

1575

it's strange i somehow had a good feeling about this number when i got it in the morning. surprisingly, it didn't fail me! already lost half of the hope when it wasn't called in the first round. paid 101% attention to the first few numbers they called out in the second round of lucky draw, until i felt ready to give up already i just left the number on the table and continued fighting with the stubborn stapler gun bullets on the SIFE flag.

just when my mind was filled with the nasty idea of trimming off the sides of the flag cause it really felt like mission impossible to get those bullets out (might have done that if it wasn't for wan li), wasn't even paying attention to the numbers anymore until i suddenly realised the rest of them around me were so excitedly jumping shouting 1575! 1575!!

that epic moment. it was so close, they almost wanted to skip the number already, then all of them started waving to the people on the stage. was too stunned to even think, just dropped the stapler and scissors in my hands, grabbed whatever paper they handed to me and off to the stage! *drama much!

but seriously, never even thought my number would be lucky enough to get picked by Timothy Tiah.

fortunate or unfortunate (quote mr lawrence) 1575 was merely one pick away from getting the iPod shuffle!


above all, despite the crazy tiredness, i think the CIMA Conference served its purpose well - bringing students from different Universities together, getting successful individuals to share their views on what success is truly about, and providing the opportunity for networking.

who knew we would be meeting so many amazing individuals, particularly the people from CIMA, Taylor's business school and the UMS Sife alumnus who's currently working with Kpmg. they were all so supportive and encouraging. extra motivation!

also really appreciate how the sifers really wanted to help. and they would say things like "you must be tired staying here the whole day, go and rest, we'll stay at the booth." one of the girls was feeling unwell, but still insisted on coming since she promised to. some only signed up for a two hours slot, but realised we didn't have enough people so they just stayed on. some tried to stay till as late as possible just so they could help more. it's just really heartwarming.

definitely been a great experience exploring so many new roads too! allows me to conclude that my sense of direction is really beyond terrible! T.T

What are you really looking for?

today at Taylor's lakeside before the rain decided to invade us, our booth was right outside the hall, facing this big piece of clear light blue sky. i couldn't help looking at it for a very very long time.

staring blankly into the sky as the wind continued to blow into my face, you are the first thing that came to my mind. honestly, i have never thought of you any lesser as compared to before, except from a new perspective. it's funny how people change, how things change, so easily. it sucks to find yourself strongly believing in something like you've never did before, and the next day you realised things are not the same anymore. you need to convince yourself not to believe anymore even if you secretly still do. you're eager to find out what went wrong, hoping you could fix it even if you know it's hopeless. you need to find a recycle bin to trash all the most genuine feelings you ever gave out. while doing all these, you're also supposed to stop thinking about it. so whatever happens, happens. even if you really feel like saying/doing some of the things, you hold it all back. 

but what am i really looking for? where do i wish to find myself by the end of the day?

misery aside, spent a really great day trying out many new things for the first time...

#1 drove all alone for the first time! felt like a big part was missing without my sleepy sister in the car! and then parking at a place i've never been to before. couldn't explain how lost i felt, but my mind was already processing who i should call if anything happened.

#2 played with the inflatable rock climbing thingy and also the velcro sticky wall thingy for the first time. though both of them turned out epic fail. we laughed at each other so much till we had stomachaches. good try though! right hand aching now Lol.

#3 was unlucky twice that i got chocolates twice instead of a thumbdriveeee. but it was a worthwhile experience getting to talk with a big mic in front of a big camera. what's great about it was the topic we were supposed to talk about - your parents. first time in my life, in front of strangers, i spoke from the bottom of my heart about how amazing my parents are and how much i love them. :) 

#4 went for the "Anyone Can Model" photo shoot and won myself a goody bag woots. i lurved it how we were all so sporting to try, usually everyone would just shy away and not even give it a try.  

#5 bonded with classmates whom i wasn't close to. it's that very nice feeling to find yourself so comfortably talking to someone you rarely speak to, just to discover another very nice person. 

all in all, i really enjoyed that idea of trying out new things. even though you might not be able to do it well, we only get to live once, not even a single day or moment is going to repeat itself. so whatever la, while we can do it, DO IT! always love exploring new things!

it's time to put my time management skills to test. seriously. 

T_T can't believe it. cannot possibly believe it. don't want to believe it. can i not believe it???

starting to feel that this year really ain't that good a year. mehhh.

in everything, just be truthful.
you can lie to the whole world, but you'll never be able to lie to yourself.

after all, my heart is not as tough as i think it is.

i hope everything will settle down and be good again soon. want to see all my friends happy.

note to self: keep reminding yourself to stay positive. things always turn out better when you think of it the good way. don't betray your own feelings. 

choose to believe, things will be better.

Grateful.

The people who'll be there for you for whatever whenever they can. How they'll try their best to help you even though it isn't anything that will affect them. I really appreciate the sincerity.

If only...

we could take the health/lives of the bad guys who are not appreciating their lives... and then redistribute it to the nicest/loveliest people around.

life really isn't always fair.

trust.



"Sometimes it is easier to smile even if you're hurting inside, than to explain to the whole world why you're sad..." 


-always thought so too. but when someone very close to you could say everything as if she knows exactly how you're feeling, it's just...unbearable. only tears can do the justice.

out of words. :(

when someone else can describe your feelings more explicitly than you yourself do. human language can't express how i feel. just really grateful i've known her.

the gloomy rain this morning. the familiar audit lecture that reminded me of a lot of things. the very inspiring lunch that caused a little indigestion (mentally) but a lot more admiration. the random yet productive outing after not seeing each other for 27days. the teary night by the pool.

if sadness was forbidden.

there are the things we don't say but we always know deep down in our hearts. it's like..telepathic.
then there are the things we can't seem to decipher. you keep thinking about it, until you thought you gave up, but actually not. you've only passed on the thinking to the subconscious part of your mind.

You never really can fix a heart.

my eyeballs feel like they're going to fall out anytime :( why do i constantly feel like there's something on my mind that i can't get rid of. siewming, you really shouldn't be like this...

:'(

never knew feeling sad can be so tiring.

at this very moment.

i'm feeling a little excited cause Uni's resuming so soon. kinda freaking out for my report cause it's so not done and i'm supposed to hand it in tomorrow. i feel like talking to someone but i prolly wouldn't know what to talk about. one part of me also feels like crying. overwhelmed by emotions. :/ i really hope i'm still normal.

why can't stop thinking?!?!?! :'( think about report! please, you stewpid brain!

sometimes i really don't know if i'm doing the right thing mannnn. maybe there isn't any right or wrong or whatsoever. just go with the flowww yo. raaawr. ohyes, live in the moment?

it's Saturday night already :o

suddenly really really really feel like going back to this place in the picture! :o them amazing clouds.

why am i not panic enough?!?! T.T

terrified.

Tell yourself that everything will be okay.

ohyes. everything will be okay. :)

"between this moment, and the moment you step out of this room, you should already know..."

can never thank you enough.

and so...i didn't. been thinking more than twice before everything i do lately, it feels a little weird though. not that i really want to be like that, but i don't know why i'm finding it hard to express myself sometimes. that contradicting feeling within when i know i'm actually so so so eager to say something, but it all just dies off when i end up holding them all back. worried that i might say the wrong thing, imply the wrong meaning, mess up things i never ever wanted to.

new semester's starting so soon... somehow i'm really looking forward to it...