when someone else can describe your feelings more explicitly than you yourself do. human language can't express how i feel. just really grateful i've known her.

the gloomy rain this morning. the familiar audit lecture that reminded me of a lot of things. the very inspiring lunch that caused a little indigestion (mentally) but a lot more admiration. the random yet productive outing after not seeing each other for 27days. the teary night by the pool.

if sadness was forbidden.

there are the things we don't say but we always know deep down in our hearts. it's like..telepathic.
then there are the things we can't seem to decipher. you keep thinking about it, until you thought you gave up, but actually not. you've only passed on the thinking to the subconscious part of your mind.

You never really can fix a heart.

my eyeballs feel like they're going to fall out anytime :( why do i constantly feel like there's something on my mind that i can't get rid of. siewming, you really shouldn't be like this...

:'(

never knew feeling sad can be so tiring.

at this very moment.

i'm feeling a little excited cause Uni's resuming so soon. kinda freaking out for my report cause it's so not done and i'm supposed to hand it in tomorrow. i feel like talking to someone but i prolly wouldn't know what to talk about. one part of me also feels like crying. overwhelmed by emotions. :/ i really hope i'm still normal.

why can't stop thinking?!?!?! :'( think about report! please, you stewpid brain!

sometimes i really don't know if i'm doing the right thing mannnn. maybe there isn't any right or wrong or whatsoever. just go with the flowww yo. raaawr. ohyes, live in the moment?

it's Saturday night already :o

suddenly really really really feel like going back to this place in the picture! :o them amazing clouds.

why am i not panic enough?!?! T.T

terrified.

Tell yourself that everything will be okay.

ohyes. everything will be okay. :)

"between this moment, and the moment you step out of this room, you should already know..."

can never thank you enough.

and so...i didn't. been thinking more than twice before everything i do lately, it feels a little weird though. not that i really want to be like that, but i don't know why i'm finding it hard to express myself sometimes. that contradicting feeling within when i know i'm actually so so so eager to say something, but it all just dies off when i end up holding them all back. worried that i might say the wrong thing, imply the wrong meaning, mess up things i never ever wanted to.

new semester's starting so soon... somehow i'm really looking forward to it...

Finding joy in the simplest things.

"i like it how you spoke with confidence...."

definitely didn't expect that word although it was something i really wanted to hear. just for that little bit of reassurance.


*stumbled upon this article below and i lost myself reading it.

x   x   x

LOSING A BEST FRIEND

When it happens, you won’t want to believe it. You’ll take their word for it when they say they’re busy, swamped at work, “just doing me.” You’ll make excuses for them, put your ringer on extra loud in case they call. But you’ll still feel the change, and because you can’t rationalize it, you’ll try to ignore it.

It’s a specific kind of loneliness that hits you like a wave of nausea. When the two of you are having a beer and you realize that you have both been staring out the same window for twenty minutes, nothing to say, the opposite of a comfortable silence. When they cancel plans consistently and stall when giving you reasons. When you scroll through your contacts and stop at their name and almost call but don’t, feeling suddenly, inexplicably, abandoned and confused.

Sometimes there’s no huge fight that marks the end of a friendship. No falling out, no major disagreement. Sometimes it just falls apart for no good reason. Distance. New relationships. Priorities. Somehow these things can become more important than your connection; they shouldn’t but they do. And as we get older we tend to downsize, prioritize. Trim the corners of our lives, keeping what’s important and discarding what isn’t. Sometimes we stop needing people in our lives and it isn’t even conscious. No one wakes up in the morning actively thinking “Hmm, I think I’ll stop being friends with so-and-so today.” It just goes out with an empty fizz, like a cigarette hitting the bottom of a Coke can.

In so many ways, losing a close friend is worse than losing a lover. Lovers are transient for the most part but friends are supposed to be there for you always, or so we like to believe. Friendship is a special kind of love that’s not supposed to fade. You never expect the one person you thought you could always depend on to disappear without saying goodbye. And when they do you feel sickeningly stupid and cheated, wondering what you meant to them all along, whether you were just convenient or in the right place at the right time. You never really know for sure.

You look through pictures from back when you were happy — holding each other up drunk and ecstatic, working on art projects on a rainy Sunday afternoon — and can’t understand what happened. Reach for the phone. Attach a photo to an email, start the subject line with some fusion of “Remember this?” and “I miss you…” Get suddenly overwhelmed by a horrible emptiness and discard the draft, leaving the phone untouched. History. So much history flushed down a dirty sink.

And the worst part is, you don’t even know how to explain yourself. You know if you bring this up with them they’ll give you a blank expression and a blank excuse. You don’t want to explain how you feel. You can’t. You just want them to get it, to read you like they used to be able to. You want to take them by the shoulders and shake them, screaming Where are you? What happened?! Until you’re blue in the face. But you can’t do that either, because you’re no longer on the same level and it’s going to make you feel crazy.

In life, it’s a given that you will lose people. People will flow in and out like curtains through an open window, sometimes for no reason at all. But losing someone important to you will feel like a suckerpunch every single time, and you’ll never see it coming. Which makes the friendships that do hold out, the ones that make it through countless breakdowns and breakthroughs and changes and years, so damn important.

x   x   x

Life.

life is really unpredictable isn't it?

the other day when i was fetching my sister back from college, she told me she was really sad for one of her friends. this guy's been experiencing numbness in his hand cause of some nerve problems and it can only be cured through surgery. what's sad is that this guy loves playing guitar a lot. my sister even said when he was telling her about it, she could see his eyes becoming watery. sigh. why leh? why let such thing happen to such a nice guy?

then just now over dinner, my elder sister said one of her friends found some unusual growth in her ovary and will have to undergo surgery too. whatever awaits her cannot be realised as planned anymore. she was supposed to be directing this film in June. that must be like a dream come true for her cause that's her passion. but sigh. who would expect such thing to happen?

my sister also mentioned one of her ex-classmates who went overseas to study medicine, but was found to have brain cancer and he passed away before he could graduate. :'(


they're all really nice people. why let such things happen in their lives???

i guess life is just way too unpredictable. we'll never know what's ahead of us until we're there.


gotta APPRECIATE every single moment of every day, and everything about everyone around me. i do hope the people i love will always be filled with abundance of happiness cause they're all too nice.

I need glue.

nothing beats this kinda tiredness. find it so hard to sleep well lately, the mind just never seems to be at ease. the first thing i feel every morning when i wake up is one feeling i don't know how to describe. but it's very painful where the heart is. then i tell myself, i should feel blessed for each and every new day i get. to be breathing the air of this beautiful earth, with the most beautiful people around me. why can't i just learn to forget more swiftly? it's funny sometimes how the more i want to get rid of it, the more i get reminded of it. why oh why. as much as i don't want it to, i know very well that i've lost this little part of myself. will i ever regain that part of me? should i or should i not..?

i need a special glue that is able to glue a shattered heart. so i can continue loving the people around me with a complete heart.

Now and forever.

slowly, i think i'm getting the hang of it. and i hope i can get used to this, just give it some time :)

toughen up that heart yo.

*love taylor swift's mushy emo songs (Y) 

With time, it will slowly fade away.

whatever that comes by, is never going to be completely within my control, all i can do is to appreciate every single bit of it as much as i can. so i know there'll be no regrets. although the pain might be a lot more intense when things don't go right, at least i know i've never betrayed my heart.

whatever that has happened can't be changed, look forward to every new day, hold on tight to all the faith in you, and keep moving on. 

just one day, you'll be able to look back at it and smile. 

:)


mean it like you say it, do it like you mean it.


... you know you can pull through this.

"Only those who mean the world to you will have the ability to bring your world down."

wherever you've been to, come back already okay? treat it all as a beautiful dream you've walked through. i give up.

at least from my part i know nothing has changed. those feelings didn't simply grow out of nothing. i don't know if anything is wrong or maybe there's just something really wrong about myself. been daydreaming more than anything else lately, hoping something would suddenly hit me and tell me that everything is actually still as good as before.

A friend, a foe, or a sister? :P

just can't seem to bring myself to do it again. what should i do?

-

most *hides face* incident that happened today:

spoke to my sister's friend on the house phone for quite a while thinking she's the friend i thought. and when i told her my sister was bathing, she didn't believe me. 

can't believe she even asked me "if you're not siew jun why are you laughing" and refused to put down the phone. until she finally gave up thinking it was my sister playing with her. 

THEN when i saw my sister's facebook message from her friend asking her why she sounds so much like her sister, only i realised the girl i was talking to wasn't the friend i thought! 

do i really sound so much like my sister over the phone? O_O

how can both of her friends sound sooo much alike?! o_o

most *bangga* incident that happened today:

i drove my family out for lunchhhh *beams*:)

although with the constant shouting to slow down when i turn, hold the brake when going down the slope, look carefully before i cut lane and all...gan cheong to the max. 

most *i don't really want this to be happening* incident that happened today:

still happened. it just doesn't feel right. somewhere somehow. 

these 3 months.

the week before this i was actually hoping for this day to come sooner. now that it's drawing near, i think i'll miss everything and everyone so much. especially my angry bird seniors and grandseniors, the department secretary, my cacated laptop, getting papercuts and muscle ache from carrying files, the stress that is always followed by a great sense of accomplishment, the little journey of self-discovery...    all of them defining moments.

they're not all perfect. but definitely worth missing.


*on a random note, cute kids are soooo cute. the urge to teach in a kindergarten is so strong.

above and beyond.

i finally know how it feels like. and to realise how it has changed me to be a little less of myself. most of the time i would find myself drowning into that big pool of thoughts instead of doing what i'm supposed to be doing. yesterday night i felt tears rolling down my cheeks before my mind could process that i was feeling sad. but i was so tired i didn't know when i fell asleep. the only thing i remember was having this strange nightmare which was partly from something that has really happened before. i guess the reason why i'm so affected by it is because it still matters a lot to me.

*just read it somewhere and thought it's pretty meaningful. 

我们执着什么，往往就会被什么所骗;我们执着谁，常常就会被谁所伤害。所以我们要学会放下，凡事看淡一些，不牵挂，不计较，是是非非无所谓。无论失去什么，都不要失去好心情。把握住自己的心，让心境清净，洁白，安静。

放下不等于放弃，执着不等于坚持。

so utterly completely absolutely very disappointed with myself.

lost and found will not always be the case.

everytime you ask me about it... i feel so lost of words. there are things i wish i knew and could tell you too, but i am not any less clueless than you are. i know you can see right through me and you will always be the first to sense that i am not perfectly alright. i don't know if i am doing the right thing, but i think covering up, holding it all in, and making myself think the positive way is the best i can do to suppress the uneasy feeling deep down inside. i hope, soon, i can get used to this that it becomes normal for me. i don't know why i never find myself smiling as happily as before anymore. i guess, with time, it will all get better. so for now, whenever you ask me, it will only remind me of things i don't want to get reminded of, but my reply will always be "i'm okay, i know what i'm doing, don't worry about me." because, i really don't want you to be worrying about me.

just realised it's been on my mind all the time in everything i do...