Fearless.

never say you can't. it's whether you want it or not.

-

so, how much do you want it? 

Defeated.

came to realise that when i'm abnormally crazy im just trying to hide feelings i don't know how or where to express. so much of this and that, everything's starting to feel bland. that simple happy-go-lucky me, you've been missed. you've got to be tough.

I almost do.

I bet this time of night you’re still up

I bet you’re tired from a long, hard week

I bet you’re sitting in your chair by the window, looking out at the city

And I bet sometimes you wonder about me

And I just want to tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you

And I wish I could run to you

And I hope you know that

Everytime I don’t,

I almost do, I almost do

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you

‘Cause each time you reach out there’s no reply

I bet it never, ever occurred to you that I can’t say hello to you

And risk another goodbye

And I just want to tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you

And I wish I could run to you

And I hope you know that

Everytime I don’t,

I almost do, I almost do

We made quite a mess, babe

It’s probably better off this way

And I confess, babe

That in my dreams you’re touching my face

And asking me if I want to try again with you

And I almost do

And I just want to tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you

And I wish I could run to you

And I hope you know that

Everytime I don’t,

I almost do, I almost do

I bet this time of night you’re still up

I bet you’re tired from a long, hard week

I bet you’re sitting in your chair by the window, looking out at the city

And I hope sometimes you wonder about me

-Taylor Swift-

this feeling when you know that the person you care for is not very happy, you'll never be able to be completely happy either.

This break.

approximately another one and a half months to go till the end of my break, which feels rather different for a couple of reasons:

(1) it's longer than the usual one-month sem breaks i get, this time round i've got about two and a half months. hm... having more time also means more time for EVERYTHING. times with my dearest high school friends, times with my family, especially my younger sister and mum since they appear at home the most, times for random outings, more alone time for me to just sit, reflect, stone and ponder; 

(2) i think part of me is still living in denial, thinking one day when the break ends i'll be going back to Uni to see all my friends and study with them again. but in reality, NO! i'm starting to work already. well, part of me is really excited, about finally being able to apply the knowledge or whatever i've swallowed all this while. i've always preferred working things out, making things happen. they help me digest the knowledge better. so yea, this is going to be a whole new journey i embark on to see more stories unfold, and be amazed; 

(3) it's so much mixed feelings cuz i'm really happy my closest friends are all around at this point in time, but at the same time i'm also subconsciously counting down to the days they'll be leaving this familiar place. soon everything wouldn't feel so familiar for me anymore without their presence. i can already cry just thinking about it, how am i going to face the day and that moment itself when we bid goodbye... T.T why can't all the countries be a stone's throw away, :( really; 

(4) this break didn't begin with a yippy yippy yay yay me, there were plans i made that could no longer be accomplished. usually i'll be all super hyperly energetic everyday when it's a holiday. this time i seem to be holding back that part of me. so i guess this break is also here for a special reason, for me to get things back in place before i start working? i can't be going to work with this state of mind; and 

(5) this break is like a... gigantic u-turn in my life. turning point would be a better word, i've kind of reached the peak of my studying life now and moving on to the non-studying side of my life. so many things are going to be different, say work hours, people at work, goals to set, targets to achieve, etc. it's sort of like moving to a more serious part of life, not literally becoming more serious serious, but there'll be more things i have to consider, more decisions to make that will lead to different consequences, a steeper learning curve and more thoughts on what kind of life i'm shaping for myself.

one and a half month may sound like quite a lot of time still, but i know it won't be.... it's just going to fly past like how 2012 did. positive energehhh i need youu. 

P/S: i'm still not prepared for the day you're going to leave. i will never be. 

Friends.

i suddenly remembered when my sister and i were little, we used to always get very worried whenever our parents were out and not home yet. we would be waiting and waiting, wondering when they'll be home.

yesterday night, for some reasons, my parents and i were put through that situation of extreme anxiety. when we couldn't contact my brother for hours until 2.30am, not knowing what was happening. but that's not what i want to stress on here (just really grateful to find out that he was perfectly alright), something else i would remember very well from this situation was how one of his best friends stayed up with us to try all the possible ways to reach my brother. the things he did, how he was just as worried as us, really touched my heart. 

i like moments like this in my life. where i get reminded of how much a simple but true friendship can mean to us. where people just care for each other out of concern without hoping for anything in return. 

one can have countless friends. but how many are true? 

what then really defines a true friend? what happened to friendships that were once so true but not anymore. 

at times, i wonder if you still think of me like i do. 

Expectations.

back in secondary when i got my first ever C for a BM paper in form 3 i was so sad i didn't know what to do with that C. and then i moved on from that phase...

when all in my mind was only expecting the worst, thinking that i would be happy already even if i could pass with 40, the C i saw in my results today didn't give me the same feeling it did seven years back.

always expecting for the worst is definitely NOT something i want to live with all my life, not this way to make myself feel better.

couple of semesters back when i had my first ever 40 marks in my study life, everything just suddenly looked so grey, nothing could even make me feel better, just thinking about the D i didn't know how to face my parents. then this friend came telling me i've done my best already. which was something really comforting to hear.

so i guess it's just really important for us to know that we're always giving our best in everything we do. yes, it's true that we could have done better, but we did what we could as of that time already. there might be certain things that we could have sacrificed to achieve a better outcome, but those sacrifices would then deprive ourselves from those experience.

i know if i chose not to be so involved in co-curricular activities, i might have done better. might, cause it's not for sure. BUT if you let me choose again, i'll still do the same. the exposure i got from the extra activities which took up quite a big part of my time was something i would never want to exchange anything for. they're a part worth remembering in my Uni days.

that semester when i told myself i HAD to maintain my first class, i HAD to at least score xx marks to maintain my first class. i felt the pressure going on more than any other thing. i missed out things that i would have enjoyed doing if i wasn't so fixed on scoring good grades. and the funny thing is, that kind of pressure didn't produce the best results.

after all these years of heart attack moments checking results, i realised results are starting to matter lesser and lesser to me. not that i'm not up to strive for the best anymore, but i know i've done the best i could already. with no regrets.

whatever it may be, i'll just have to carry with me the achievements i've made so far and create more wonders with them in the future chapters of my life.

in everything we do, just give it our best and embrace the outcome by making the most out of it.

feels like there are a hundred million thoughts running through my mind right now but i only end up feeling all blank. can't seem to tell how i really feel anymore. will everything turn out okay? what then is okay? what's not? 

Silhouette

for some people we can always go that extra mile and never get tired, what then makes one give up trying? was the fall too painful? or are we too afraid of the road ahead? 

Feel Again.

starting to feel that my body can't take this anymore although i still wish to stay strong mentally *_*

because there is no perfect right or wrong, because nobody else would know better what's best, it's just us against everything.

Unspoken words.

daddy,

thank you for being so awesome. although you didn't approach me, i can feel your care and encouragement through mum.

love,

your naughty daughter.