if i could write to santa for a christmas gift this year, there is only one thing i'm asking for. and i am willing to do anything for that wish to come true. anything. 

Words that don't belong anywhere.

sometimes even i wonder to myself if it's all going to be worth it. then i realised it doesn't really matter, the outcome... whether it's worth it or not, whether it'll turn out like how i wish it could be isn't really that important after all, cause i know no matter what, i'll still give it a try. 

have been staring at that rectangle piece of yellow-coloured paper for a while now and what's running through my mind can't seem to be explicitly put into words. when i finally managed to gather enough courage to let you know everything that was on my mind, your replies weren't what i was hoping to see, neither what i expected. and the next day, everything was still the same as before. 

like how people say time heals, i guess the reverse is true too? time also kills. some things start to fade with time, and sometimes, these are things we can never get back once it's gone. 

if there comes this chance, i really hope to know how you felt, what were you thinking when you decided to let it all go and never look back. 

let's hope a night's sleep would tell me what's best to be written on that card for you. 

One day closer.

"It has been said that I believe in the power of positive thinking. In fact, I believe in the power of negative thinking. I happen to be very conservative in business. I always go into a deal anticipating the worst. If you plan for the worst - if you can live with the worst - the good will always take care of itself." - Donald Trump


after all, nothing will ever always be happily ever after like in fairy tales, but if we're just able to have faith and endure the toughest moments, we'll be surprised with what's coming after.

one last paper to go on Monday. and then it marks the end of yet another wonderful chapter in my life. definitely an unforgettable one that taught me a whole lot.


right now, i'm just feeling incomplete without you. 

Some memories are for a lifetime

i feel like going to somewhere with a piece of big open ground, so i can lie down and watch the stars in the night sky... wonder what they've got to tell me.

November 2010
One year into our journey with BAF, almost two years back from today.

the one who brings the best out of you.

These little things.

sometimes i can't help but to wonder how you feel deep down inside. haven't spoken to you like this in a while, and it just felt all too good today i almost didn't feel like leaving when my sister's done. hoping that our conversation could go on for a longer time, and stay that way forever.

talking about how time flies, you mentioned it didn't feel like it's been one year since internship. without realising, it's been close to a year can you believe it? everytime it comes back to me, i'll blame myself for not fighting hard enough for everything about you that i cherish so dearly. but what's the point? we can never go back in time, and the only way to go is to move forward from wherever we're standing now. just wish to at least regain a little bit of the 'us' we used to be.

today a friend said something that kept me thinking a long time. how she described me to be filled with endless positive energy when we first met in college, and how she saw that part of me slowly disappear throughout these years. i felt it so strongly cause this is not the first time i'm hearing something like this. a few of the closest people around me thought the same. honestly, i love how i used to be too.

it was like a period of insane internal battle of emotions within me at the start of the year. i fought so hard trying to hold on to the very me, but i seemed to be losing it more than anything else. vaguely remember the days i used to cry in bed every night without myself even knowing until the tears felt cold on my cheek. since it was internship then, there were so many new people to meet. from something very natural of me, it felt like so much effort when i had to smile and talk to them happily when inside my heart was a mess. 

as much as positive thinking could do, it can never be comparable to genuine happiness from within. slowly, i think i just got used to being the sad me. 

but well, life is interesting only because it is always filled with challenges and hopes. challenges that would tear us down but make sure that we come back up stronger and tougher at heart; hopes to keep us going even when all else seems impossible and dark.

during the down times, i found myself doing things i never thought i'd do, i appreciate those who stayed by my side always checking on me to make sure i'm alright, i learned that things might not always be like a happy dream but they happen for a reason.


whatever happened happened. today's such a great day. in many ways.


shall end this long somewhat emo-ish post with a note mummy wrote to me today, was so surprised to get it:

It doesn't matter who hurt you, or broke you down, 

what matters is who made you smile again.

Nobody can take away your pain,

so don't let anyone take away your happiness.

Life is never easier, 

we just get stronger.

Who apologizes first is the bravest,

who forgives first is the happiest.

Life is short and you deserve to be happy,

whatever you are facing today,

remember to give yourself some credit for making it this far.

You are stronger than you know.

♥ Mama love you sweet baby ♥

made me all the more happier today. can never thank you enough for always always being there for me you awesome mummy.