No one is indispensable.

had one of our longest sife meetings ever yesterday. including monopoly deal sessions + video for nabilah with the talking tissue! it's so weird to be speaking in front of the camera, couldn't have done it without the talking tissue. first time meeting our vice secretary, Esther. and you know some people just give you that very positive feeling. yeah she looked so awake and alert. since meeting ended pretty late and everyone else in the house who can drive wanted to sleep already, i told qing xian i couldn't make it anymore. somehow could tell she didn't sound as happy anymore, then she offered that she could send me home. 

(note to self: faster renew licence and start to practise driving again!)

so i still went in the end and we had such a good time together:):):) i always love the very mild wind and quietness by the pool while waiting for her to come down from her condo, can totally help to throw all the worries and stress behind. and xiannn, thank you so much for the solo birthday celebration. but our failed lighter skills uuugh, took sooo long before the tiny spark finally turned into a burst of flame xD and we just continued talking all night under the moonlight by the pool ♥

:) 

won't see it coming when it happens...

received a library notice today, and before i was able to click in, i kept wondering "did i not return any books?" until the page finally loaded, showing "hold pickup notice" for the book "strategies for e-business" -_- and my heart kinda sank a little again. shucks.

and also just received heri's message saying he'll be recording a 5 minutes farewell message from each of us for nabilah. :( got to admit i'm not the best person when it comes to dealing with farewells/goodbyes, they're just way too saddening :( it somehow feels like we're missing the final part of working as a team - to perfect things together after learning from each other and improve on what we've been ignorant about previously. aah what am i to say in that 5 minutes.

...but when it happens we're gonna feel it. 

i miss the sky in Lancaster.

i really still do. today when we were on the way to peppercorn after badminton i tried looking out the car window for some beautiful sky, and it just reminded me again that the sky here isn't that interesting to look at. now i'm really curious if the sky here once looked as amazing as the one in Lancaster? after all it's the same mother earth we're in right. whatever happened.

it's been four days into semester six now, tomorrow will be the fifth. the first week is not even over and there are already so many things going on. at one point i would feel so selfish when all i can see is to get good grades because i dyingly need it for this semester. other time, i would tell myself that getting good grades doesn't mean i need to be selfish, there are better ways to work things out. after a long time of pondering over those thoughts, i still couldn't seem to get a clear conclusion. what you're telling me is one thing, what you'll really do is another. what i speak of sincerely is one thing, what i really want is another. what i expect is one thing, what actually happens will be another. just simply don't want to betray my own feelings.

some things started off so well, you get so attached to it you don't even feel like leaving it behind. but what if you have no choice but to put it aside because there is something else which is of higher priority? some people don't even bother about how we feel, then why do we even care in return? sometimes there are things we know very well, but it instantly becomes impossible when we need to voice it out.

the other day when we were in the car daddy was asking me how i want to celebrate my birthday? in my heart i felt like telling him i don't deserve one. i don't know when i can completely walk out of the shadow of that awful D :( 

*gonna keep this here ♥ thank you for being the awesome one in my life huei-wen :') all the time.

today's so much better.

and for everything you do, just give it your best.

first day of what i presume to be the most different semester for me ever. and also my birthday. so overwhelmed with emotions tonight. chatting with heri and candy made me feel all energised again, like it's NOT impossible. just really got to do my best, so even if it doesn't turn out like what i expect it to be, there will be no regrets. and by doing my best, it means to aim for perfection all the time. in assignments, exams and every part of the course. the fact that i will not be last minute still hasn't really set in. but i know i really need to use a different studying approach or i'm gonna end up at the same sad place. sometimes i wonder if it's fate or what, for me to pick SIFE among all the clubs and societies, such that i'm given the chance to get to know some of the really awesome people. it was that one time i was actually really serious and determined about joining a club, remember myself registering at the booth alone (i usually wait for my friends, if they join i'll join, or else, forget about it). i'm glad that one time i made that decision to actually go sign up for it. and just now when i received a birthday message from nabilah, i can't believe it made me cry (been crying too easily lately eesh) it was such a simple message, but when i read it, it seems to contain a lot more than just the words that are showing. what a strange feeling. everything's been a lil crazy these days.

and so i was really hoping my dad wouldn't get angry with my lousy results. but when i saw his face that looked slightly disappointed, all he said was to hope that i really try my best this sem. it's like instead of scolding me, he continues to trust and put more hope in me. which is what makes me feel really really bad. 

let's turn this terrible feeling into something useful...extra motivation, extra determination, and extra of all the better things!




...but somehow somewhere somewhat, i'm really scared. :'(

worse than a nightmare because it's for real.

to expect it being bad is one thing, to actually see how bad it really is..is a different thing. still traumatised since i logged out of izone yesterday morning :'( feeling so lost now, one side of me is telling myself that it's all gonna be okay if i work extra hard for the coming semester; the other side of me is blaming myself so much for not working hard enough last sem and seriously doubting whether it's even possible to still maintain 70% or not. this terrible feeling makes me feel like digging a hole and hiding in it. but that's not right. i was so afraid to tell daddy that i wrote him a letter last night, and i kinda refused to wake up this morning, too afraid to see his reaction towards it :( so i woke up only after they left house. till now i don't really know what he thinks about it. sister told me he mumbled some words..but wasn't mad or what. i'm just scared :( :( the disappointment. the everything. uuugh:( shucks.